Go into His Settings and click Empowerment, go down to New Coach, type in your name and Save .
College men have the highest regard for coaches. They know that a coach empowers and drives them to be the best. Translate the nurturing capability of your female nature into empowerment in your everyday life and you’ll have a lot of men watching you closely. Coaches are a hot commodity by virtue of encouraging, praising, guiding, cheering and believing in their athletes. Whether or not your kinds of guys are athletes, they will instinctively respond to what they feel about you. When they experience you compliment, encourage and cheer the others on campus, their radar will immediately acquire and recognize the signals. College guys will want to be “on your team” and - they haven’t actually met you yet! Is that crazy or what! You will be stunningly attractive with or without cosmetic neon signage. Dudes love empowering women – they’ve got game. Want empowering game? Keep reading. It’s so simple you’d have to be a guy to believe it.
So why do you suppose, so many college guys, are so into sports? The real answer is passion; the fact that incredible, amazing passion comes packaged as action, shouldn’t mislead you. Take away the passion from his action and his interest falls apart faster than his “my dog ate the book report” excuse he lamely tried in high school. Guys love action for sure, but passion holds his attention long after the action ends. Just have a listen to their postgame drama.
So do you want to get men’s attention? Empower others in public if only for a moment. Crank up your attractiveness and more guys will begin appearing. Once you meet them you will begin to focus on discovering their particular passions. What are their special talents, skills and interests and what makes them turn into drama queens when they reveal their emotions about this or that? What especially thrills him: art, design, engineering and creativity; or thinking, concepts, theory, knowledge, instruction, people, and process? Discovering and focusing conversations, activities and goal setting on his passions will capture his attention, and keep it. Everyone’s personality harbors an over-reaching interest in certain areas of certain topics. Your task is to discover and ignite the passion that may or may not be known to him. These passionate feelings can be extremely motivational and critical to starting, bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship with someone – especially the romantic one – that generates the most potential for the empowerment of both people.
With all of this talk of men’s passions, I want you to know that I’m not missing the elephant in the room: the strong mating instinct of young men; rather I choose to assign the heavy lifting tasks to the elephant a little later. At that time I’ll explain how you might employ both men and their elephants for mere peanuts. “Very clever you” his brain will shout!
“Admiration is a very short-lived passion that immediately decays upon growing familiar with its object, unless it is still fed with fresh discoveries, and kept alive by a new perpetual succession of miracles rising up to its view.”
When attempting to quickly glimpse the range and depth of a man’s passions, it is important to hear and feel three things from him: his “war” story, the grandest dream for his life, and his role model. The war story is his retelling of an actual, highly emotional time, when the odds were stacked against him to succeed or survive, he believed the threat was very real, he felt seriously tested…and yet he prevailed. “A Wow! Tell us all about it story.” So, what’s a huge challenge to him?
Second, you want to hear and feel the grandest dream they have for their future. Don’t have one? Okay – then dream it up right now. Ha! Either way, you’re gonna learn what’s important to them in their future – and compare how it might sync with yours as well as their spontaneous creativity. Those two stories: the “Best of Me” and the “Best I hope to Become,” will shed a lot of light on who this person is.
The third window into their self is who encapsulates their idea of what they really admire? Who is their role model? Or who comes closest if they had to pick? If you want to help empower this person, you need to glimpse the depth and breadth - the quality of their passion and determination; and learn what they hope to be, what they see in those they admire, and imagine whether you want to get on board this dream romantically. You will learn their beliefs and values; gauge their skills and discover their virtues, like courage, honesty and patience. You will know what drives them and what distorts them. Here is a very broad cross section of their personality on display, up front and personal, just for the asking. People absolutely love talking their best stuff. Be a smart asker and a shut-up listener. They will love talking to you.
“Men love empowering women.
They motivate us to pursue and achieve what we are passionate about.”
“Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility,
like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron
before it can give forth its spark.”
Henri Frederic Amiel
“I think that a lot of girls, myself included, need to have the concepts that you mention in the book reiterated and reinforced. Deep down we already know these things (that's why I found myself saying, "oh yeah, that makes sense..."), but having them articulated on paper in front of us and being reinforced really makes it click. The other thing I really liked was the wittiness of the book! It really is a good read and kept my attention. I love the violin comparison too!!”
Karli, University of Toledo
“I like how positive you have made it. Relationships really are more than just "playing" games, that's where most go wrong. I think the parts that really catch my attention are those when you give insight into what the guys are thinking and their wants and needs. You being a male give it credibility. When girls talk with their roommates, all we can do is guess what the heck is going through men’s heads! College guys seem to be so wrapped up in school friends and partying that it is hard to catch their attention for more than just a short fling....and it is definitely hard to find guys that are good for more than just a short fling.”
Caylyne, Butler University
“Fall in love with the wit and blue eyes and you get to find out about his bad features when your heart is wide open because your eyes were wide shut" I really like this quote. I think it's really smart. I personally learned this lesson several years ago, which I think is a much earlier age then for most. Unfortunately, I think there are a good number of people who go their whole lives, blindly ignoring this concept.” Karla, University of Tampa
“This book would probably be most appropriate for undergraduate females looking for relationships. I would like to think women my age have learned most of its contents already through trial and error. For my part, I wish that I had received the knowledge this book contains when I was younger to avoid learning through personal experience. I think that your strategies empower women in regards to relationships, giving them more control and making them feel like they do and should have a say in what goes on with their significant other. At any rate, your book definitely puts the women in charge of dating, and if I ever have a daughter, I would strongly recommend that she read it.”
Gwen, Michigan State University Grad Student
East Lansing, Michigan
“When I read this book I didn’t think I had much else to learn about relationships, but it made me sit back and rethink everything. Finding a guy you want to be with isn’t just about the initial attraction. If you want something to work you have to take a deeper look before you jump in head first. You explain a lot of things I knew somewhere in my subconscious, but now that I hear them coming from a guy, I’ll believe them!”
Sarah, Albion College, Grad Student
So if you’ve been following this blog for some time now and wishing it would hurry up and cover your issue, then you should take heart – it’s all in book form and downloadable at Kindle from Amazon. Here’s the hype page that welcomes you:
Amp-up your possibility thinking game plan with an empowering action plan on campus for finding, sorting-out, and bonding in a romantic relationship with an amazing college guy - by actually engineering your success.
Tired of placing all your bets on social media and drunk out of your mind campus parties?
Chronically frustrated with guys that seem to be really interested and then spontaneously break it off after weeks or months?
Wondering what you and your friends are doing so wrong?
Beginning to believe it's just a campus wide conspiracy by college guys to "love 'em and leave 'em” and you're just on a fool's errand thinking romance?
Fact is the game is stacked against you when you agree to play his game of hooking up nights and hanging out afternoons watching sports.
But you knew that – right? Not yet?
When it finally occurs to you that switching-up things from a random, no brainer "whatever," no plan plan, to a cleverly engineered methodology of what will work; then the tipping point has been reached and the critical romantic bonding mass shifts to your side.
If you've reached the tipping point and are ready to apply the necessary weight of proven methods to dynamically shift the campus relationship to your side, then you're ready to learn the 34 opportunities, 30 strategies and 36 techniques that will amazingly empower you, him and experience a committed relationship.
Happily the book is written in a series of quick, simple one to two page essays that each supply a key point: an opportunity - when to act; a technique - how to behave and what to expect; a strategy - the reasoning why the timing, the location, the emotion and his hormones all create a dynamic, that empowers each of you to want and need each other in a lasting relationship.
Buy the book and learn what years of observations and interviews of campus coeds’ romantic exploits have revealed to be the winning answers for relationship problems with college men. If your luck is failing, then try wit and wisdom and turn your luck around.
*a self contained, step by step, set of operations to be performed.
Appreciation begins with Recognition.
Recognition confers Admiration and Respect.
Admiration and Respect build Self Confidence.
Self Confidence is the Engine of Accomplishment.
Accomplishment is Self Actualizing.
Self Actualization is Bliss.
Real love requires recognizing, appreciating and admiring another’s beliefs and values, their virtues and character traits…and communicating yours to them for their evaluation.
Once this is accomplished, you make room for their issues. If you can enjoy their positives and accommodate their negative issues, then you have a basis for friendship.
“A strong friendship is the precursor to enduring love.”
You first like and admire each other enough to ignore stuff that would irritate you in another with less powerful positives. Your accommodation of another’s issues – unusual and/or quirky – creates trust, admiration and respect.
These in turn can foster a powerful engine of accomplishment. Coaching each other to evolve into your ultimate best selves (self actualization) is the goal. Bliss is the feeling and state of mind.
"So Logan, I just love hanging out with you. We share so many opinions and we have so many things in common. I really respect the way you think and I feel like you feel the same way about me. WE each have our own goals and dreams and I'm thinking it would be very cool if we sort of helped each other - like coached each other to stay on track. You know what I mean? Like, I'd really appreciate your perspective - like looking over my shoulder...and maybe seeing what I might be missing. You know what I mean?"
"Brehan - I so know what you mean - like my Chem prof is always saying: 'Learn your goal, then discover the mini-steps to accomplish it - daily.' So like I share my short term goals with you and you try to keep me on track, right, and I do the same for you. If one sees the other losing focus then we say something, discuss it, make changes to the weekly plan."
Wow, Logan - exactly! So what's an important short term goal of yours? I know your part time job is making you crazy. Let's talk about fixing that, right?" ...and so the process starts by sharing intimate details and feelings that reveal more character points and the bonding between you begins to strengthen. (Watch Cupid's little toes wiggle as you help each other chase your dreams together!)
Develop the necessary set of skills to sort out the college men that are right for you. Be smart with your selection so that harmony and possibly romantic love can grow without having to deal with confusion, conflict and ultimately chaos.
Fall in love with the next cool looking guy, that gives you the eye, heats up your passions, agrees to see you exclusively, skip the interview process at the Union or coffee shop, proceed directly on a series of laughter filled hookups; and you are statistically doomed to frustration and heartache.
Better get used to mumbling: “Sucks to be me!”
People are complex. You are a person. He is too. Fall in love with the wit and blue eyes and you get to find out about his bad features, when your heart is wide open, because your eyes were wide shut.
You couldn’t wait to hang out and hookup with him, you recall. All that changed minutes after your first serious conversation. “What the…?” Choosing the right college man requires some prep work to develop the skill set, which you’ll need before diving into relationships with others - especially the hotties. Your word, not mine.
What are college men looking for in college women? Their goal is much like yours - in addition to the fun of it. They’re looking for a cool friend, a trustworthy pal who bothers to learn and understand why they believe and feel as they do about the passions that drive them.
If you can become really interested about them for whom they are, then they can begin to admire and respect you, in return. Admire and respect you is a good thing, right? I’m just making sure you’re following this narrow thread of plausibility, ahem…because it happens to be the central core pillar that empowers a new you, a bliss filled life and an amazing, enduring relationship.
This concept works for each of you. The key is to work the principle, you start the chain reaction of the "algorithm," to put it in motion and that is the substance of these writings – drawing on the deep wellsprings of human feelings, to form empowering alliances, which drive positive behavior toward accomplishing our wonderful dreams. Our passions are the jet fuel and cheering and coaching are the guidance systems you’ll learn to enable each other’s best behavior and morph dreams into reality.
The object is to help breathe life into each other’s dreams by targeting passions which power the baby-steps – one at a time, day after day – that move you both along your dream paths, amazed and fulfilled at how your talents have been harnessed and your dreams are being realized.
“…drawing on the deep wellsprings of human feelings, to form empowering alliances, which drive positive behavior toward accomplishing your wonderful dreams.”
I’ll be blogging more about this amazing process that is so easy to understand and do, because it is so logical, so grounded in your own and his common sense, that you can easily trust your own instincts along the way to bliss and empowerment. Did you know that romance could be empowering?
Here’s an article published on Flipboard March 9, a few days ago, I thought you might greatly profit from.
OKCupid did some research and “found that women who sent the first message on its app were 2.5 times more likely to receive a response than men who did the same.” Credit Matthew Staver for The New York Times for this summary. Check the link for the whole discussion.
Sent via Flipboard, your personal magazine.
Get it for free to keep up with the news you care about.
In case the link fails, I will paste the basics.
OkCupid, a popular online dating site, said women who take the initiative to reach out to men are rewarded with higher response rates and more desirable men.
“There are women on the site that are reaching out, and they’re getting all of the benefits,” said Jimena Almendares, the chief product officer at OkCupid.
“a random sample of 70,000 users who had logged in at least three times within the same month. It found that women who sent the first message were 2.5 times more likely to receive a response than men who did the same. And the men the women contacted were more “attractive,” as determined by how other users rate the men’s profiles for both looks and content.
OkCupid, which said it has 1.5 men for every woman on the site, said both men and women are aspirational in whom they approach — men send messages to women 17 percentage points more “attractive” than themselves, while women send messages to men 10 percentage points higher.
So a woman who simply sifts through her inbox is most likely fielding entreaties from men less attractive than she is, while she’s most likely to get a response if she contacts a more attractive man.
Okay – but the “greatly profit” from part of Flipboard’s “expose,” of dating social media apps, and what really trips my switch - for those of you not aware, is the app called Bumble. “Holy no tags forward, Batman!”
“Women have very much been trained to sit back and let men come to them,” said Whitney Wolfe, the founder of Bumble, a separate dating app.
Bumble requires women to flip the presumption that men are the dating aggressors. After a man and a woman indicate mutual interest in each other’s profiles, they’re both notified that there has been a match — but only women can send the first message. That makes women more confident and empowered, while the men are more flattered and relaxed, Ms. Wolfe said.
“It makes for a healthier and more enjoyable all-around experience,” she said. “It puts the women in the driver’s seat, and typically women aren’t in the driver’s seat.”
As a man, I am 100% in agreement with the Bumble approach for you – which is kicking off to the women and letting them run with the ball – perhaps for reasons that will surprise you, however.
1) Orientation - Perspective: Women need to immediately get into a man’s SETTINGS and uncheck the boxes:
Women are weak,
Women have few opinions that should matter
Men set the agenda and name the rules.
I don’t need to impress her as much as she needs to impress me.
2) Impress Me!
Guys need a reason to treat a woman with respect and her calling the shots for the first meeting that is not a date but a meeting – an interview – really ratchets up the bar in his mind and establishes him as the one who is being shopped. Boom! Role reversal. Nice!
3) The Interviewer
Gets to set the interview agenda.
Ask the questions
Set the tone: semi-casual – more formal than fun-casual
4) The Long Game – What are his limitations?
Best to assess sooner than later, the features of this guy’s character
Is he suitable to party with, hang out with, or hang on to?
5) Empowerment Material.
Would you want him as your coach?
Is he worth coaching?
Could you see yourself bonding with him and setting a life agenda?
You might as well get your answers before you start making yourself crazy asking these questions later than sooner. You know how you are. You – like every other sane dater - wants to know “why didn’t I just sit down with this guy a long time ago. Why has it taken me so long to translate who he wants me to think he is into who he really is?”
Yup, naïve you. Well if you believe you have to kiss a hundred frogs to get a prince then I’m here to tell you it really ain’t so. People who bother to think a lot about something usually find a better, faster way. I have watched and listened to a lot of college women’s’ dating experiences. I know what works because I have heard it recited over and over and over again for years and years.
The number of dating practices that do not work greatly exceeds the number that do. So the numbers are stacked against you from the very beginning if you do not use other women’s’ misadventures and failed efforts to steer you around the potholes that appear immediately as you take the off-ramp to Romance Avenue.
Your mistake was not exiting two ramps back at Dialogue In-Person Boulevard. Once there, down at ground level, you park your car and take a stroll examining the sights and sounds comparing them to your likes and dislikes. What would living in this neighborhood be like? How does it feel? You read the brochure online and did a little research so now it was time to have a face to face reality check.
Is all as advertised? Does this person pass the smell test? I mean do his stories about family, role models, feelings and respect for his Mom and Dad seem genuine and sincere, or do they sound contrived, made-up, a little strange, exaggerated. Does his reality seem to line up with yours? How’d he do with some of the questions under “CLUES” above on the site header?
Long story short: Bumble would be my media of choice were I a female student on campus or off. It sets the stage immediately with you in control and offers you the opportunity to set up a daytime coffee/soda, one on one, one – two hour meeting to open this man wide open to your scrutiny with him knowing he’s being shopped by a lady with her goals and methods clearly, impressively arrayed. If he is the right guy you’re gonna blow his doors open to him being totally amazed with you.
So, don’t spend a lot of time, hanging out with a guy without an agenda that calls for real answers to cleverly calculated questions, which reveal the character behind the personality he’s advertising.
The byproduct of this that I thought you might not guess? You will be more attractive to him by a power of at least two for taking charge and vetting him carefully right from the gitgo. You have defined yourself as empowered. All of this process you should carefully conduct and project in a sweet, polite, respectful way. He will enjoy the experience. He will do all the talking. Guys like to talk about themselves to intelligent, inquisitive people. Have fun. Laugh a lot. Drink decaf. Slow down and be a careful listener with frequent questions to satisfy your curiosity.
Your brain will be impressed with your process and thankful to you, perhaps many, many times over. Sort out the frogs from the princes before you do the kissing part.
Girls with frogbreath tend to attract more frogs. Just sayin’.
So last time (see below February 18 post) we looked at attractiveness, confidence, and flattery as strategies and technique. Presumably, you have “uploaded” them and are now watching for opportunities to convert someone’s impressive behavior into sincere, heartfelt flattery and thereby impacting those “targets” and yourself with empowering, positive results.
Today let’s look at what happens when a guy is in your “here and now,” you did or didn’t flatter him …and he and you are feeling that something special could be in the future – and so what do you do right now? Eeeck.. Like, too much, too fast – right?
Help!! He is asking you to meet him at a party or a whatever. The whole thing just came out of nowhere and you’re like, totally surprised and at a loss for words besides: “sure” and “okay,” and then five minutes later you’re like…”what did I just sign up for?”
You’ve been there, done that,” right? Or, you are new to the hanging out, dating, and relationship acquisition scene offline.
So, if you are a newbie to the meeting someone later thing, then you need a few clues as to how not to screw it up like a city girl walking into a cow pasture late at night. For sure you are going to step in “it.” So here is how not to. There is two ways to do the meet-up: smart and stupid.
Or would you rather I say: empowered or naïve? Just imagine you have been on a hundred of these meet-ups or hang-outs on campus and you are older and much wiser. Chances are you have cycled through a lot of guys and with very wide results. Frankly, you are ready for getting pro-active and weeding out the losers before you waste another Friday or Saturday night and start the next week hating yourself…again.
Your first goal therefore, is to learn his beliefs and values, compare them to yours, and answer the question: “Do I really want to spend valuable fun time with this potentially negative guy?” Sounds simple enough, but exactly how do you go about arranging a time to trade stories and ideas over coffee and reveal a little about this fellow you have your eye on?
Start by saying, “You seem like a pretty interesting guy, Ned. I’d like to get to know you better. Would you like to have coffee tomorrow after class?” He will not only be impressed with your sense of substance, but also will be struck with the realization that he is being shopped. How flattering! Coincidentally, he will be additionally attracted to your confidence and pleasant leadership style.
If he is anybody worth knowing he will be impressed in a nice way - and it sets the tone and raises the bar on your character substance. So now, what about the meet?
It is going to take some serious thought for each of you to excavate your soul, inventory your thoughts, articulate your values, and package the whole thing so that it makes sense for the other’s appraisal. That moves sex to the second row in his cranial bleachers. Tension equals laughter, so expect lots of laughs for your first face to face meeting. Once you are there, what then?
Then it is time for the interview. Watch and listen to this guy, up close and personal, for an hour or so. Dancing to a rock band in a dimly lit club or loud house party is not the stuff that supports idea exchange. But sit and trade stories in a calm environment and you will have some genuine communication on your hands. What does he have to say? What does he want you to hear? What is your female intuition whispering at you, or not? When you're ready to cut to the chase and amp up the interview check out the questions under "CLUES" on the header above like:
“Todd, if you won the Million Dollar Lottery, how would it change the second twelve months of your life?”
While you both need to communicate your preferences for sights and sounds, art and music, drama and sports, the character issues are the real agenda of your casual meeting. Lead with questions that get to the heart of what he believes, and give him the time and space to respond. Shush– it’s revelation time. Time to spot the creeep, liar, con artist, narcissist, or sweetheart. If he is hiding, you may very likely spot him over coffee. Make it beer or wine if you want to miss what you are supposed to be looking for. Caution: Tanking you up is his best strategy if he’s crap.
Coaches hold tryouts. So should you. If this guy does not fit your essential criteria, you need to know before you put him in uniform. If you wish to pursue him for a relationship, even better, you have already clarified your image of him and learned why hanging with him is more likely to be a good thing than a regretful one.
Too bad you didn’t do this with that clown that turned into a total idiot two minutes after getting into his car last semester. This is why it is key to mentally label a guy “prospect” and spend time with him where and when you can walk away from him, without awkwardness,l and on a moment’s notice if need be.
“Dates,” unlike interviews, can be complicated and sometimes nearly impossible to end quickly. The daytime coffee shop scenario makes it easy; you can even give it a time limit of one hour, and even have a friend call you with a "hair emergency" at 90 minutes too. Fire escapes – they are a beautiful thing!
“Tension equals laughter,
So expect lots of laughs for your first face to face meeting.”
Cindy Crawford: “I’ve always found that beauty and confidence are synonymous. If you feel confident, that’s what people really see.”
So often women and men mistakenly equate beauty as the single key to attracting men, but certain animal instincts in men argue otherwise and strongly suggest that confidence attracts them as well. As a male, I definitely zoom in on a confident woman – for one thing, she is radiating power in my space – and my brain is in essence saying – “Hey, here’s a force you may need to deal with – better check her out.”
So I’m immediately drawn to assessing her critical mass of character that can generate such an air of confidence that it then translates as attractive to me. It’s is way more than simple curiosity that drives me to study her. It translates to being drawn to her self confidence and what underlies it. I am compelled to believe she is someone I would like know for whom she is, and not for how she looks to me, but the way she looks to me: self assured, poised, secure in herself. That’s strong stuff and the great majority of guys favor strong – but not dominating women. We know the difference. So I agree with Cindy Crawford. So hold that thought while I set this up.
Last post I promised thoughts on developing your skill set of campus relationship strategies and the techniques that implement them; as well as the potential opportunities with which to ideally execute them; and so this is a good time to start the illumination. Many other campus coeds have found these methods to render no less than amazing results when followed in a step by step learning/action process.
So let’s start by stating a key first goal: gaining his admiration and respect. Getting his brain admiring and respecting you from the start puts everything you do after that in a positive, credible light. He now wants to accept, believe and trust you. That’s way more than just a good thing – it’s an amazingly powerful position to start a romantic relationship from. Starting from a position of doubt and skepticism is a bad thing and one your persona typically cannot recover from – so make a great first, confident impression, and leave recovery to the upholsterers.
So we’re agreed then? Your initial strategy should be to gain his admiration and respect and the easiest, most surefire way to accomplish both is to flatter him with the stark reality of what impresses the heck out of you, about his character. (Not his shoes, smile, posture but some revelation by his actions or persona of what stuff he’s made of, believes in, respects or admires.) So how do you do that? The technique is to observe him long enough to catch him in the act of throwing off character trait hints. Yes, the operative word here is observing. It’s sort of like sitting on the end of the dock fishing; waiting for a nibble. But before you scream, please know that a practiced observer can often pull a fish out pretty quickly. So the next operative word becomes: practiced.
Moving on…by observing him demonstrate a powerful character trait and telling him how it made you feel, you immediately establish confidence in yourself for what you feel about him – so find something that’s truly impressive about him in your mind, describe it to yourself and you should automatically generate an air of confidence speaking with him. That single act is actually a double act. You attracted him to you with your confidence in knowing who he is – an important part anyway, and flattering him with how you value it by describing how he affected you. Boom! Dragon slayed. So take a moment to dance a little jig while he regains his composure and reacts by wanting to know all about you – which is another little opportunity for later.
Observe his behavior, and then identify, distill and define his perfections and it’s like gold in your hand: ready to be exchanged for admiration and respect.
Develop and practice on random people first (safe ones) so when the right guy comes along your delivery will be calculated, smooth, well timed and sincere. This is a technique that must be learned through trial and error and plenty of practice – but it becomes such a pleasure after a few proactive encounters that you will find it absolutely addictive for the way it lights up people – but it has to be deep, character feature, recognition stuff – not “Hi, your hair is always so cute.” Or, “You have the most impressive ten speed.”
Look up to the top of this Campusbliss.com page and click on CLUES. Here’s a list of character and personality features. Read them all a couple of times. Decide which ones mean a lot to you. Say the words that mean a lot to you out loud so that your brain hears them. Now you know what you’re looking for in people and specifically guys. Now you’re ready to begin maneuvers –ooh was that a pun?
Phase 1: Start by tuning up your observation skills and resetting them from macro to micro; from obvious to the subtle. You must become a student of human character and behavior is your focus. “Hmm, hot looking guy at the next table…let’s see if he reveals anything about his character.”
Waiter approaches with an apology. Looks like a problem. “Oh oh, feels like the customer thinks he’s way better than the server guy…Wow, check out the server guy’s really sincere, positive reaction and full eye contact with Mr. ‘So Cool his spit freezes, big man on campus’” Your focus has shifted to what you thought was a hottie over to the server.
Phase 2: Wow – you’re impressed and now what? Now you think about how his behavior made you feel. Describe it. Can you identify several character traits of his that came into play like: humility, sincerity, confidence, respect, patience, positive attitude?
So while you’re sitting there assessing your reactions, your feelings and attempting to distill what you liked about the server try to prioritize them. Which one floats his boat and puts the fizz in his soda? Hmmm, I personally am feeling a combination of confidence and humility about him. – It’s okay to treat them like a hybrid – two things in one; humble confidence or confident humility – you pick.
Phase 3: In your mind now work out a casual sentence that expresses your observation and reaction, and uses the combo of confidence and humility and you’ve just created the keywords in your topic sentence.
Phase 4 Action: “Hey, while I was sitting next to one of your tables over there, subtly motioning with your thumb, I couldn’t help being impressed with how you reacted to the dork and his pancake problem. The combination of your humble confidence in reaction to his nasty attitude really stunned me. I was totally impressed with how you handled it.” And then whiz, you’re gone. Wow, fried his brain and made his day. How’d it make you feel? Ah…see where I’m going with this? Empowerment: it’s a beautiful thing.
Okay so now get busy and start zooming in on behavior and begin evaluating what character traits are driving it. You don’t need to start with the compliments until your brain learns to be quick with the audit results. Everyone is fair game from the station attendant at the Quick Pik to the laundramat lady next door. Bus drivers, ticket takers, custodians, underclassman, grad students in the library checkout; wherever and whenever somebody behaves long enough to be analyzed, they become food for mental practice and eventually for live practice…if they reveal a special something that could use reinforcement and a thoughtful compliment.
The next time these people see you, you can expect a warm greeting – if you verbalized your feelings, no matter how hard life has treated them and how crusty their exterior persona – you’ve become a soft spot in their heart.
Over the course of a semester your brain’s neurotransmitters and hormones will report increased levels of dopamine, and oxytocin. These are the natural feel good drugs released when you do nice things for people and then feel their reaction to your frank, honest, spot on appraisal as the Brits would say.
Dopamine: this neurotransmitter drives your brain’s reward system causing a delicious feeling of well being after praise.
Oxytocin: both a hormone and a neurotransmitter linked to life satisfaction levels. There’s nothing as satisfying as shopping for new shoes while complimenting the store clerk on supplying you with free dark chocolate while he scampers back for more sizes and colors! Not really a compliment. More a thank you, but when unlimited dark chocolate in a shoe store is in play, character analysis must wait until he runs your card. Make it a good one and you may get a 40% off card for your next visit.
So there’s a goal, a mini step to your personal empowerment: analyzing people’s behavior for clues about their impressive character features to then tell them about how they make you feel. I guarantee that if you follow this technique for acquiring character recognition skills and applying them liberally throughout your day to random people you will have armed yourself with a potent force for mate selection – just sayin’.
Spring Semester Arrives
So here we are in January of 2016 and you’ve just returned to classes. So how was break? Some were doubtlessly comforted by the return to family and friends back home. Others were troubled by the dysfunctional nature of their family (join the crowd) and frustrated seeing good friends going nowhere with so much potential and so little motivation. Well that’s them and this is you. So dip your oar tips back into the pond and prepare to make waves with your romantic campus relationship(s).
Pursuing the topic of romance tends not to follow a logical track or be easily navigated by even those experienced at campus romance. Love can be an emotional quagmire often best traversed in properly fitted snowshoes. Think I’m kidding? Watch a fast forwarding video clip of your last escapade with love. Just as you thought you were almost there you found yourself sinking quickly in the slime of self pity and doubt, your heart gasping for breath, your brain frozen in disbelief, your heart strings flailing wildly for any straw of explanation for why he is quitting you. If intense, labored forensic review of those particular several weeks or months of love and love lost revealed no clue as to the reasons of your calamity? I can fix that.
So…today’s epiphany on the blog…and you thought I’d never get to it is:
“Why so many coeds on campus report frustratingly short relationships with campus men.”
The common answer you’ll hear on campus is that he has too many choices. The ratio of available coeds is too unbalanced. Well, that’s a powerful opiate – an endless stream of coeds to titillate his possibility thinking and take center stage in dorm room, frat house, and apartment conversations with his buds.
“Dude you can’t miss at this school!” they exclaim with delight.
Others of you are favored with too many men on your campus. The refrain from you all or ya’ll then becomes: “This place is like an open box of chocolates – and you don’t even need make-up on weekends!” Well I hate to pop your cosmetic bubble but the fact is: he’s a lot more into your eye popping smile. Sorry to disillusion you but he’s not a girl – he’s a guy. Here’s another gem you should be aware of – he really freaks out when the makeup comes off and the contrast has him feeling shocked, fooled, tricked and now your attractiveness and credibility are necessarily reevaluated. Just sayin’. But back to the topic: “Why so many coeds on campus report frustratingly short relationships with campus men.”
Whatever the ratio of men to women on campus let’s just presume you’ve picked one out, he admits to being in a relationship with you and now you’re “off to the races with him.” Once you reach that stage of just the two of you staring at each other, feeling happy with or even wildly ecstatic about– whichever - then comes the challenge: holding onto it and improving it until it either proves to be an unworkable, long term thing or it really has become a long term thing. Mmmm! You’ve reached that sensible plateau, you’re feeling secure that you know he’s good with it, everything’s going along fine and then– oops – seemingly out of nowhere things get chill and a week later he announces he’s movin’ on and it’s over. Huh? What the hell !!??? Where’d that come from?
“Aye – and there’s the rub” as the Brits say; or as the wise old fisherlady says: he ain’t in the fryin’ pan until he’s hooked and in the boat and the boat’s on the beach and the tides going out. Okay I made that up and you’re not looking to fry, engage or marry him, but you do really like him for a relationship for the foreseeable future. But crap! It’s over just as it was getting good. Well, truth is – apparently not so much for him. Why!
So here’s the real deal as to why he’s lost that lovin’ feelin’ - the actual issue that triggers most guy’s cessation of relations with ladies - is that she simply failed to become an irreplaceable asset to him. She has become replaceable once the newness, the novelty, the curiosity …and the usefulness, ouch, wanes, declines and/or disappears.
Once, whatever that initial connection evaporates and there remains no new system for attachment to her, then her future in a lasting relationship with him is put into jeopardy. Which, of course, is pretty much everyone’s attitude right? What else would you expect? If your emotional attachment declines to such a state “on empty” and no other reason remains to hang with him, then his status with you necessarily shifts to friend or acquaintance and you logically then proceed to …end it. Ouch for him – unless - he ain’t feelin’ it anymore either. Then cool for both of you/ya’ll.
But what’s not cool are all of the campus relationships that should have been a great match for a good long time, but didn’t, and just fell apart and then evaporated, for stupid reasons. Wow, it happens. It’s a freak thing. Everyone is shocked. No one can believe it. It happens in college sports too, with star athletes, during incredibly important games – the ball is thrown into the air, travels the length of the back court (volleyball), the receiver is perfectly positioned to easily pop it up to a forward and it just goes right through her hands – and the sports center’s umpty-umpty thousand fans cringe in disbelief. What happened? Answer: the athlete took her eye off the ball. Duh. This $%#@ happens to couples who are a match made in heaven too – probably a lot more often than you’d expect – until you realize they had no coach like the athletes. Yup, just two people trying to stick to each other while taking a full load, being involved in extra-curriculars and attempting to navigate the drama of their friends, their floor, their house and their profs.
Failure would seem to be baked in without anyone looking over their shoulders and suggesting priority shifts and time management. It’s really hard to get out of one’s skin and understand what is obvious to others – without a coach. Wouldn’t it be cool to coach each other? If you’ve got a really serious relationship and you want to maintain and grow it “bigtime” then the answer is not in question. Successful couples coach each other – and are not only allowed to but encouraged – because each has taught the other who they really are and what really motivates them.
It’s a rare relationship that has the benefit of a coach, who focuses the couple on the value and power of helping each other to recognize the other’s strengths and empower daily behavior toward each person’s highest and best use on campus and, as well, post graduation. Sans coach, little or no talk within the couple of what talents each has and how supporting the other’s further development could enhance their individual careers is pretty common between faux relationships that have little benefit to either in the present and certainly no future value in the future; are typically dead end, short lived, quick fling events. In short: lasting relationships are empowering to both individuals causing a powerful bond between the couple, that in turn secures a commanding lasting, mighty relationship.
So, flings are great, hanging out is fun, hooking up exciting; but a lasting relationship comparatively is like the difference between a hammock for two at a powder white sand beach on a sun struck weekend– admittedly a tasty memory - and, a seemingly never ending windjammer cruise, island hopping the globe’s vacation destinations forever; so, a fleeting tasty memory versus a permanent beautiful thing.
Both are positive but serve different purposes. You certainly can experience one or both and your feelings toward each are determined by the guy you are with. I just want to be clear that there typically comes a time in every relationship when you see long term, “keeper” potential and know this one needs serious nurturing. And that’s where this blog and a soon to be available book on Kindle will greatly facilitate your chances of avoiding a relationship blow-up and putting you on a lasting track to developing a relationship with him that he cannot let himself so much as contemplate losing at any cost. Want a bomb proof relationship? Build one by being a powerful coach and empowerer of his values, traits and talents and you will have earned the most coveted place in his life: the nurturer of his head and heart: the copilot of your life together that will start on campus and propel your future to the stars. As well, teach him to empower you in the same way, with the same attention to the details of your personality: values, traits, talents and motivations. More next time on developing a skill set of strategies and the techniques that implement them; as well as the opportunities to ideally execute them. Good luck with your studies.
Presumably you've survived the first few parties, perhaps gotten a taste of demon rum or keg beer, walked downtown with your new roommate, discovered some cool shops, ogled some cute boys and gotten up close and personal with a textbook or two. If you're not new to campus and are a returning student, you've searched for old friends, checked out your favorite haunts and...revisited the student bookstore - your least favorite place to spend ungodly amounts of money. How much were those books? Really? Really??
But you're not here to listen to me join in the rant about how much money you just spent - and now you've got to crack them all and start absorbing too much stuff that you will begin to wonder if you will ever truly use. Sucks to be you. "Been there done that." I remember a sign under the clock at the library at my alma mater that opined: "Time will Pass...Will You?" I remember sitting there thinking that I had to stop grabbing a mag in the Periodical section before studying each day. An hour would pass. I'd read this and that - and if I hadn't wasted my time on this stupid magazine I could have finished the damned French lesson. Geez - and then, of course I would expand the thought to the semester, the year, and finally to graduation.
Ya know - after looking at that damned clock enough times and reading that blurb about time passing it really sunk in - and I really got serious. I would just hold my breath and dive in and in x number of hours I'd finished my study, did the research, written the essay and...time had passed. Thinking about studying is like thinking about going to the dentist - Don't ever think about it - just show up, sit in the chair and before you know it, its over. Same with study. Be like a study bot. Turn on. Turn off. Done!
The key is don't dwell on what it's gonna take. Just size it up and get it done. The pain is mostly in the anticipation. Anticipation breeds over thinking and over thinking breeds tension, anxiety and worry. So eliminate the worry and instead spend the calories of energy on the doing. For sure the time will pass, so surf it with a textbook and get off that damned cell girl. Imagine taking a two hour selfie video of yourself studying. Now rewind and fast forward and be amazed at how many times you checked your social media sites. Really?...OMG!
Academics is obviously the elephant in the room on campus. You need to feed the elephant in the room or it 's stomach will begin to progressively complain louder and louder. You want to experience love? It's really hard when you're hating yourself for waiting so long to read the book and then you get ambushed by a pop quiz. Ouch! Really hard to react casually to a guy outside of class when you're all tied up in knots over a term paper you're really late getting started on. Really tough to look attractive when your face is tense because of a exam you just failed. Really hard to relax and hang out in a group when your prof handed back a paper this afternoon and says you can do a lot better than that. GPA's are really hard to affect after you've weighed them down with a lot of poor scores. Want to bring a happy heart to a campus relationship? Study. Romance is a huge distraction once cupid has you in his sights. Get that GPA up and be prepared to enjoy campus men - with a happy heart! More next Thursday on romance.